there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
