I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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