So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
