ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
