I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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