my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
