my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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