Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Randomize