He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
