Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
