Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
God, you're like boner-b-gone
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
