I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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