he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
im holly from the hills drunk
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
