Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I understand Curling. That high.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
