respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
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