I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
