my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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