Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
The power of my boobs compel you
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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