I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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