This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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