my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
