Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
