I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
