I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
