Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
