you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
