I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
