Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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