Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize