Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
