dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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