I accidentally had phone sex last night
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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