Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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