She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Operation Purity has been aborted
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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