I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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