then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
my phone needs a breathalizer
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
