Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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