I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm like, not good at living.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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