i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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