My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
