Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
