i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
