lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
