Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
