Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
