remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Don't make out with my wife yet
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
