we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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