This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
