I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
