Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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