i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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