The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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