U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Randomize
