i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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