Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
