You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
