I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
