Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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