i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
