sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
