I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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