If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Randomize
