3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
