someone threw a dead crab at me
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
