I think my vagina is haunted
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
