The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
