life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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