If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
